How to handle a bad coach as a parent: 6 tips for effective communication

This article is written from my perspective both as a parent and non-parent coach of multiple sports—primarily hockey—concerning a recurring question that parents have. That is, when they have a concern about their child’s youth sports coach, how should they approach that person?

One common concern is when a coach constantly yells at their young athletes (or officials) during the game. While there are exceptions, it seems to occur most frequently between the ages of U12 through U18. The older kids get, the more intense the coach becomes. 

Here are my thoughts and practical suggestions as to how parents can use tact and sensitivity to avoid creating further issues for players or unnecessarily escalating the situation. My intention for this article is to provide an adaptable approach across a variety of issues and situations. 

1. Understand the context

• Assess the behaviour: Some coaches use different styles, and some can and do get carried away by their emotions. Determine if the coach is yelling constructive criticism (e.g., for motivation or instruction) or if it crosses the line into abusive, demeaning, or inappropriate behaviour. This article gives parents some hints on how to recognize verbal abuse in youth sports.
  
  Every hockey coach has to take the Respect In Sport – Activity Leader course every three years, as do the parents, and this foundational information about respect can provide a common guide. (Upon registration, there are many downloadable resources available from the site.) The best coaches will offer encouragement during games, ask questions, and facilitate feedback on the bench after a shift and between periods.

• Talk to your child: Ask your child how they feel about the coach’s behaviour. Some kids may not mind or even prefer a tough coaching style, while others might feel upset or demoralized. Your child’s journey through sport will likely involve different coaches, each with their own style, much like their journey through the school system, experiencing different personalities and teaching approaches. This range will provide your child with a broad perspective, and thus allow them to determine their preferences.

2. Approaching the situation

• Stay calm and objective: Avoid reacting emotionally or confronting the coach in front of the team, as this could embarrass your child and escalate tensions. Most people have heard of “the 24-hour rule,” which states that people should sleep on something and allow their emotions to subside before deciding to pursue next steps. You may choose to document your observations and dates. Remain focussed on the facts and the feelings of your child.

• Observe more sessions: Attend more games (and practices) to witness the coach’s behaviour first-hand, over time, to help give you better insight into whether their actions are inappropriate or part of their style. Was their behaviour a one-off (perhaps they had a bad day or week), or do you see consistent patterns emerging? Are there notable differences between games and practices, or is the behaviour consistent across both situations? Remember, a coach’s “style” is not an excuse for bad behaviour. 

I remember listening to John O’Sullivan from Changing the Game Project speak, and he said something to the effect of:

Volunteerism is no excuse for a lack of professionalism. Coaches, we may not be put in life threatening situations on a daily basis but let us never forget that our influence is powerful, and never neutral.”

-John O’Sullivan

3. Communicating with the coach

• Request a private meeting: In minor hockey, the parent shouldn’t publicly approach the coach, particularly right after a game or practice, when emotions are high. Remember the 24-hour rule? In fact, the parent should not confront the coach. Instead, they should check with the association bylaws or expectations when it comes to the “flow chart of responsibility” regarding a coaching concern. It’s a common practice to require the parent to wait for 24 hours from the incident in question until the parent brings a request to meet with the team manager to alert them of the concerns.
  
  Some associations may require the manager to meet with the coach individually, or have the manager set up a meeting between the parent and coach. If there is a meeting between the parent and coach, the manager will outline the agenda/process to both parties, including timelines and next steps, and be present to mediate the meeting. Both parties should have a chance to calmly present their part, and answer clarifying questions, then take time to reflect after the meeting concludes, before determining an outcome. The outcome will be delivered from the coach to the manager, and relayed to the parent, in a timely fashion.

• Be solution-oriented: When it comes time to present your issue, use “I” statements (e.g., “I’ve noticed…” or “I’m concerned that…”) to express your perspective without sounding accusatory. Be respectful and listen. Solutions are most likely to occur when people stick to the facts and avoid emotions and reactions.

• Focus on the child’s well-being: Frame your concerns around the impact on the players, emphasizing that you want the best environment for all the kids to thrive. This isn’t (and shouldn’t be) about you—it’s about your child. 

4. Supporting your child

• Encourage open communication: Let your child know it’s okay to share their feelings about the coach and the sport. I am a strong believer of the words, “I love to watch you play.” Creating this supportive environment, rather than being overly critical of your child’s decisions or ability, helps grow that trust and openness between child and parent and keeps the lines of communication open.

• Reinforce positivity: Remind your child of their progress and value beyond the coach’s criticisms or yelling. Pick out behaviours and actions that your child is doing well, and how they are contributing positively to the team.

• Monitor for changes: Pay attention to any changes in your child’s behaviour or attitude toward the sport, as these could indicate they’re feeling overly pressured or discouraged. Start with open-ended questions and progress to those that are more specific, to help gain clarification.

5. When to escalate

• Involve other parents: If other parents share your concerns and it seems to impact more than only your child, consider addressing the issue collectively, as a group approach may carry more weight. When meeting with the coach about a collective concern, nominate one person to represent the group concern so the meeting remains a one-on-one situation, plus the manager. Being in an outnumbered situation puts the other party on the defensive and may also encourage the outnumbering party to be more aggressive. Both situations generate emotion, and thus are counterproductive to being heard and finding solutions.

• Follow the club/association process: If the behaviour is egregious or doesn’t improve after discussing it with the coach, examine the flowchart to determine the next step. Most associations that practice good governance have a process in place, including a board member or committee responsible for concerns that cannot be resolved with the manager mediating the meeting. For those environments that are lacking, consider reporting the issue to the next step up the governance ladder (within the club or association), and for those organizations that don’t have those options, consider contacting the league office or local or provincial or national governing body, in order. Provide specific examples to support your concerns.

6. Fostering a healthy perspective

• Discuss constructive criticism: In an age-appropriate manner, teach your child to differentiate between tough or demanding coaching and inappropriate behaviour, helping them build resilience while understanding their boundaries. Can you find and use teachable life lessons for this situation that will transcend sport and help prepare your child for “real life” (school, work, relationships, etc.)?

• Consider alternatives: If the situation doesn’t improve or remains unhealthy, explore other teams or other activities where your child can play and grow in a supportive environment.

By handling the situation thoughtfully, parents can ensure their concerns are addressed while maintaining a positive experience for their child and avoiding unnecessary tension. Consider reviewing the embedded resources for further support, and if you believe something more serious is at play, you should try your best to explore the appropriate channels and processes.

*Please note: this article is not intended to provide legal advice for potentially more serious issues like cases of physical, emotional, or sexual abuse. Those instances should be dealt with immediately through appropriate channels and the authorities. Please remember that any form of coaching—volunteer or paid—inherently contains expectations of a professional and legal nature. Please refer to the Sport Law website for a definition and expectations around the duty of care for a volunteer coach, and/or to the Coaching Association of Canada for its comprehensive Code of Conduct and Ethics for reference. We coaches are in a leadership role and must honour these expectations to the best of our ability.

Read more about kids’ sports:

• 8 things I wish I never did as a coach (and what I should have done instead)