Parent expectations in hockey: Focus on what your child wants

Editor’s note: This post was updated on Nov. 28, 2019.

What can parents do when they feel their kid’s experience is not what it could be? They want the best for their children, yet they don’t want to create a conflict with the coaches.

In the last article, I explained that it’s okay for parents to want a positive sports experience for their kids. Rather than giving up and just accepting a bad situation, it is possible to address these issues in a respectful and constructive way.

In this article, I want to present the first of three steps that you can take as a parent when things are not totally right with your child’s sport experience.

The first thing to do is to ensure that your uneasiness is true – that it is based on what kids expect out of sport and not out of your own personal dissatisfaction. So, why do kids play sports in the first place?

A Michigan State University study asked kids why they play sports. The top three responses from kids were:

  1. To have fun
  2. To do something I’m good at
  3. To improve my skills

Second in the ‘Parent expectations in hockey’ series

This four-part series details what parents can do to ensure that their kids are having a good experience in hockey.

Start here:
When your kids play hockey, it’s okay to have expectations about their experience

Upcoming:
How to determine if your child is having fun, and if they are developing skills
How to communicate appropriately with coaches

A few years ago, Peter Barston began asking kids, “Why do you play sport?” Over the years, thousand of kids have responded to Barston’s survey.

The results were similar to the Michigan study: The top three reasons kids play sports are to “have fun, to improve their skills, and to stay in shape.”

An article on the same topic in Psychology Today also lists “having fun and improving my skills” as the top two reasons that kids play sports.

So, it’s simple: If your kid chooses to play a sport, it is reasonable and justified to expect that the experience is fun and that they develop their skills through the process.

If your “unease” comes from other reasons, like your kid’s team is losing or won’t make the playoffs, then it’s better to let things be.

I should note that it goes without saying that most people understand that kids expect minor sport to be a fun experience. But it’s not always clear for minor sport associations and coaches that the majority of kids want to improve at what they do.

There’s a good reason why so many kids list “improving my skills” as a major reason to play sport. When they develop their skills in any activity, their confidence grows as well. The more confident they become, the more they enjoy doing the activity. This is a key fact to remember: increased skills leads to increased confidence and enjoyment.

In the next article I’ll present ways to figure out if your child’s team is meeting the basic and fundamental expectations of fun and development.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

[gravityforms id=12 title="false" description="false" ajax="true"]
<div class='gf_browser_unknown gform_wrapper gform_legacy_markup_wrapper' id='gform_wrapper_12' ><div id='gf_12' class='gform_anchor' tabindex='-1'></div><form method='post' enctype='multipart/form-data' target='gform_ajax_frame_12' id='gform_12' action='/hockey-expectations-and-child-wants/#gf_12' > <div class='gform_body gform-body'><ul id='gform_fields_12' class='gform_fields top_label form_sublabel_below description_below'><li id="field_12_6" class="gfield field_sublabel_below field_description_below hidden_label gfield_visibility_visible" ><label class='gfield_label' for='input_12_6' >Nom</label><div class='ginput_container ginput_container_text'><input name='input_6' id='input_12_6' type='text' value='' class='large' placeholder='Votre nom' aria-invalid="false" /> </div></li><li id="field_12_7" class="gfield email gfield_contains_required field_sublabel_below field_description_below hidden_label gfield_visibility_visible" ><label class='gfield_label' for='input_12_7' >Courriel<span class="gfield_required"><span class="gfield_required gfield_required_asterisk">*</span></span></label><div class='ginput_container ginput_container_email'> <input name='input_7' id='input_12_7' type='text' value='' class='large' placeholder='Votre adresse courriel' aria-required="true" aria-invalid="false" /> </div></li><li id="field_12_9" class="gfield hidden scroll-subscriber field_sublabel_below field_description_below gfield_visibility_visible" ><label class='gfield_label' for='input_12_9' >Scroll Subscriber</label><div class='ginput_container ginput_container_text'><input name='input_9' id='input_12_9' type='text' value='' class='medium' aria-invalid="false" /> </div></li><li id="field_12_8" class="gfield field_sublabel_below field_description_below hidden_label gfield_visibility_visible" ><label class='gfield_label gfield_label_before_complex' >Je suis un éducateur, un entraîneur ou un animateur en loisirs</label><div class='ginput_container ginput_container_checkbox'><ul class='gfield_checkbox' id='input_12_8'><li class='gchoice gchoice_12_8_1'> <input class='gfield-choice-input' name='input_8.1' type='checkbox' value='Oui, veuillez aussi m’envoyer l’infolettre semestrielle d’Actif pour la vie pour les professionnels.' id='choice_12_8_1' /> <label for='choice_12_8_1' id='label_12_8_1'>Oui, veuillez aussi m’envoyer l’infolettre semestrielle d’Actif pour la vie pour les professionnels.</label> </li></ul></div></li></ul></div> <div class='gform_footer top_label'> <input type='submit' id='gform_submit_button_12' class='gform_button button' value='Abonnez-vous à notre bulletin' onclick='if(window["gf_submitting_12"]){return false;} window["gf_submitting_12"]=true; ' onkeypress='if( event.keyCode == 13 ){ if(window["gf_submitting_12"]){return false;} window["gf_submitting_12"]=true; jQuery("#gform_12").trigger("submit",[true]); }' /> <input type='hidden' name='gform_ajax' value='form_id=12&amp;title=&amp;description=&amp;tabindex=0' /> <input type='hidden' class='gform_hidden' name='is_submit_12' value='1' /> <input type='hidden' class='gform_hidden' name='gform_submit' value='12' /> <input type='hidden' class='gform_hidden' name='gform_unique_id' value='' /> <input type='hidden' class='gform_hidden' name='state_12' value='WyJbXSIsImU4MmE1N2RiNzRiMTQ1ZjVhOGQ3OWQwZmVkOTFkNjRiIl0=' /> <input type='hidden' class='gform_hidden' name='gform_target_page_number_12' id='gform_target_page_number_12' value='0' /> <input type='hidden' class='gform_hidden' name='gform_source_page_number_12' id='gform_source_page_number_12' value='1' /> <input type='hidden' name='gform_field_values' value='' /> </div> </form> </div> <iframe style='display:none;width:0px;height:0px;' src='about:blank' name='gform_ajax_frame_12' id='gform_ajax_frame_12' title='This iframe contains the logic required to handle Ajax powered Gravity Forms.'></iframe> <script type='text/javascript'>gform.initializeOnLoaded( function() {gformInitSpinner( 12, 'https://activeforlife.com/content/plugins/gravityforms/images/spinner.svg' );jQuery('#gform_ajax_frame_12').on('load',function(){var contents = jQuery(this).contents().find('*').html();var is_postback = contents.indexOf('GF_AJAX_POSTBACK') >= 0;if(!is_postback){return;}var form_content = jQuery(this).contents().find('#gform_wrapper_12');var is_confirmation = jQuery(this).contents().find('#gform_confirmation_wrapper_12').length > 0;var is_redirect = contents.indexOf('gformRedirect(){') >= 0;var is_form = form_content.length > 0 && ! is_redirect && ! is_confirmation;var mt = parseInt(jQuery('html').css('margin-top'), 10) + parseInt(jQuery('body').css('margin-top'), 10) + 100;if(is_form){jQuery('#gform_wrapper_12').html(form_content.html());if(form_content.hasClass('gform_validation_error')){jQuery('#gform_wrapper_12').addClass('gform_validation_error');} else {jQuery('#gform_wrapper_12').removeClass('gform_validation_error');}setTimeout( function() { /* delay the scroll by 50 milliseconds to fix a bug in chrome */ jQuery(document).scrollTop(jQuery('#gform_wrapper_12').offset().top - mt); }, 50 );if(window['gformInitDatepicker']) {gformInitDatepicker();}if(window['gformInitPriceFields']) {gformInitPriceFields();}var current_page = jQuery('#gform_source_page_number_12').val();gformInitSpinner( 12, 'https://activeforlife.com/content/plugins/gravityforms/images/spinner.svg' );jQuery(document).trigger('gform_page_loaded', [12, current_page]);window['gf_submitting_12'] = false;}else if(!is_redirect){var confirmation_content = jQuery(this).contents().find('.GF_AJAX_POSTBACK').html();if(!confirmation_content){confirmation_content = contents;}setTimeout(function(){jQuery('#gform_wrapper_12').replaceWith(confirmation_content);jQuery(document).scrollTop(jQuery('#gf_12').offset().top - mt);jQuery(document).trigger('gform_confirmation_loaded', [12]);window['gf_submitting_12'] = false;wp.a11y.speak(jQuery('#gform_confirmation_message_12').text());}, 50);}else{jQuery('#gform_12').append(contents);if(window['gformRedirect']) {gformRedirect();}}jQuery(document).trigger('gform_post_render', [12, current_page]);} );} );</script>
[gravityforms id=11 title="false" description="false" ajax="true"]
<div class='gf_browser_unknown gform_wrapper gform_legacy_markup_wrapper' id='gform_wrapper_11' ><div id='gf_11' class='gform_anchor' tabindex='-1'></div><form method='post' enctype='multipart/form-data' target='gform_ajax_frame_11' id='gform_11' action='/hockey-expectations-and-child-wants/#gf_11' > <div class='gform_body gform-body'><ul id='gform_fields_11' class='gform_fields top_label form_sublabel_below description_below'><li id="field_11_2" class="gfield field_sublabel_below field_description_below hidden_label gfield_visibility_visible" ><label class='gfield_label' for='input_11_2' >Name</label><div class='ginput_container ginput_container_text'><input name='input_2' id='input_11_2' type='text' value='' class='large' placeholder='Your name' aria-invalid="false" /> </div></li><li id="field_11_1" class="gfield email gfield_contains_required field_sublabel_below field_description_below hidden_label gfield_visibility_visible" ><label class='gfield_label' for='input_11_1' >Email<span class="gfield_required"><span class="gfield_required gfield_required_asterisk">*</span></span></label><div class='ginput_container ginput_container_email'> <input name='input_1' id='input_11_1' type='text' value='' class='large' placeholder='Your email address' aria-required="true" aria-invalid="false" /> </div></li><li id="field_11_4" class="gfield hidden scroll-subscriber field_sublabel_below field_description_below gfield_visibility_visible" ><label class='gfield_label' for='input_11_4' >Scroll Subscriber</label><div class='ginput_container ginput_container_text'><input name='input_4' id='input_11_4' type='text' value='' class='medium' aria-invalid="false" /> </div></li><li id="field_11_3" class="gfield field_sublabel_below field_description_below hidden_label gfield_visibility_visible" ><label class='gfield_label gfield_label_before_complex' >I&#039;m an educator, coach, or rec leader</label><div class='ginput_container ginput_container_checkbox'><ul class='gfield_checkbox' id='input_11_3'><li class='gchoice gchoice_11_3_1'> <input class='gfield-choice-input' name='input_3.1' type='checkbox' value='Yes, please also send me the biannual AfL Pro Newsletter for educators, coaches and rec leaders' id='choice_11_3_1' /> <label for='choice_11_3_1' id='label_11_3_1'>Yes, please also send me the biannual AfL Pro Newsletter for educators, coaches and rec leaders</label> </li></ul></div></li></ul></div> <div class='gform_footer top_label'> <input type='submit' id='gform_submit_button_11' class='gform_button button' value='Subscribe now' onclick='if(window["gf_submitting_11"]){return false;} window["gf_submitting_11"]=true; ' onkeypress='if( event.keyCode == 13 ){ if(window["gf_submitting_11"]){return false;} window["gf_submitting_11"]=true; jQuery("#gform_11").trigger("submit",[true]); }' /> <input type='hidden' name='gform_ajax' value='form_id=11&amp;title=&amp;description=&amp;tabindex=0' /> <input type='hidden' class='gform_hidden' name='is_submit_11' value='1' /> <input type='hidden' class='gform_hidden' name='gform_submit' value='11' /> <input type='hidden' class='gform_hidden' name='gform_unique_id' value='' /> <input type='hidden' class='gform_hidden' name='state_11' value='WyJbXSIsImU4MmE1N2RiNzRiMTQ1ZjVhOGQ3OWQwZmVkOTFkNjRiIl0=' /> <input type='hidden' class='gform_hidden' name='gform_target_page_number_11' id='gform_target_page_number_11' value='0' /> <input type='hidden' class='gform_hidden' name='gform_source_page_number_11' id='gform_source_page_number_11' value='1' /> <input type='hidden' name='gform_field_values' value='' /> </div> </form> </div> <iframe style='display:none;width:0px;height:0px;' src='about:blank' name='gform_ajax_frame_11' id='gform_ajax_frame_11' title='This iframe contains the logic required to handle Ajax powered Gravity Forms.'></iframe> <script type='text/javascript'>gform.initializeOnLoaded( function() {gformInitSpinner( 11, 'https://activeforlife.com/content/plugins/gravityforms/images/spinner.svg' );jQuery('#gform_ajax_frame_11').on('load',function(){var contents = jQuery(this).contents().find('*').html();var is_postback = contents.indexOf('GF_AJAX_POSTBACK') >= 0;if(!is_postback){return;}var form_content = jQuery(this).contents().find('#gform_wrapper_11');var is_confirmation = jQuery(this).contents().find('#gform_confirmation_wrapper_11').length > 0;var is_redirect = contents.indexOf('gformRedirect(){') >= 0;var is_form = form_content.length > 0 && ! is_redirect && ! is_confirmation;var mt = parseInt(jQuery('html').css('margin-top'), 10) + parseInt(jQuery('body').css('margin-top'), 10) + 100;if(is_form){jQuery('#gform_wrapper_11').html(form_content.html());if(form_content.hasClass('gform_validation_error')){jQuery('#gform_wrapper_11').addClass('gform_validation_error');} else {jQuery('#gform_wrapper_11').removeClass('gform_validation_error');}setTimeout( function() { /* delay the scroll by 50 milliseconds to fix a bug in chrome */ jQuery(document).scrollTop(jQuery('#gform_wrapper_11').offset().top - mt); }, 50 );if(window['gformInitDatepicker']) {gformInitDatepicker();}if(window['gformInitPriceFields']) {gformInitPriceFields();}var current_page = jQuery('#gform_source_page_number_11').val();gformInitSpinner( 11, 'https://activeforlife.com/content/plugins/gravityforms/images/spinner.svg' );jQuery(document).trigger('gform_page_loaded', [11, current_page]);window['gf_submitting_11'] = false;}else if(!is_redirect){var confirmation_content = jQuery(this).contents().find('.GF_AJAX_POSTBACK').html();if(!confirmation_content){confirmation_content = contents;}setTimeout(function(){jQuery('#gform_wrapper_11').replaceWith(confirmation_content);jQuery(document).scrollTop(jQuery('#gf_11').offset().top - mt);jQuery(document).trigger('gform_confirmation_loaded', [11]);window['gf_submitting_11'] = false;wp.a11y.speak(jQuery('#gform_confirmation_message_11').text());}, 50);}else{jQuery('#gform_11').append(contents);if(window['gformRedirect']) {gformRedirect();}}jQuery(document).trigger('gform_post_render', [11, current_page]);} );} );</script>
[gravityforms id=10 title="false" description="false" ajax="true"]
<div class='gf_browser_unknown gform_wrapper gravity-theme active-start-form_wrapper' id='gform_wrapper_10' ><div id='gf_10' class='gform_anchor' tabindex='-1'></div><form method='post' enctype='multipart/form-data' target='gform_ajax_frame_10' id='gform_10' class='active-start-form' action='/hockey-expectations-and-child-wants/#gf_10' > <div class='gform_body gform-body'><div id='gform_fields_10' class='gform_fields top_label form_sublabel_below description_below'><fieldset id="field_10_11" class="gfield active-start-name-field gfield_contains_required field_sublabel_below field_description_below hidden_label gfield_visibility_visible" ><legend class='gfield_label gfield_label_before_complex' >Name<span class="gfield_required"><span class="gfield_required gfield_required_asterisk">*</span></span></legend><div class='ginput_complex ginput_container no_prefix has_first_name no_middle_name no_last_name no_suffix gf_name_has_1 ginput_container_name' id='input_10_11'> <span id='input_10_11_3_container' class='name_first' > <input type='text' name='input_11.3' id='input_10_11_3' value='' aria-label='First name' aria-required='true' placeholder='Your name' /> <label for='input_10_11_3' >First Name</label> </span> </div></fieldset><div id="field_10_10" class="gfield gfield_contains_required field_sublabel_below field_description_below hidden_label gfield_visibility_visible" ><label class='gfield_label' for='input_10_10' >Email<span class="gfield_required"><span class="gfield_required gfield_required_asterisk">*</span></span></label><div class='ginput_container ginput_container_email'> <input name='input_10' id='input_10_10' type='text' value='' class='large' placeholder='Your email address' aria-required="true" aria-invalid="false" /> </div></div><div id="field_10_1" class="gfield kid-field show gfield_contains_required field_sublabel_below field_description_below gfield_visibility_visible" ><label class='gfield_label' for='input_10_1' >Kid&#039;s Birthday<span class="gfield_required"><span class="gfield_required gfield_required_asterisk">*</span></span></label><div class='ginput_container ginput_container_date'> <input name='input_1' id='input_10_1' type='text' value='' class='datepicker mdy datepicker_no_icon gdatepicker-no-icon' placeholder='mm/dd/yyyy' aria-describedby="input_10_1_date_format" aria-invalid="false" aria-required="true"/> <span id='input_10_1_date_format' class='screen-reader-text'>MM slash DD slash YYYY</span> </div> <input type='hidden' id='gforms_calendar_icon_input_10_1' class='gform_hidden' value='https://activeforlife.com/content/plugins/gravityforms/images/datepicker/datepicker.svg'/></div><div id="field_10_13" class="gfield gfield--width-full gfield_html gfield_html_formatted gfield_no_follows_desc field_sublabel_below field_description_below gfield_visibility_visible" >Only one kid per email address at the moment.</div><div id="field_10_4" class="gfield field_sublabel_below field_description_below gfield_visibility_hidden" ><div class='admin-hidden-markup'><i class='gform-icon gform-icon--hidden'></i><span>Hidden</span></div><label class='gfield_label' for='input_10_4' >Age When Submitted</label><div class='ginput_container ginput_container_text'><input name='input_4' id='input_10_4' type='text' value='' class='medium' aria-invalid="false" /> </div></div><div id="field_10_5" class="gfield field_sublabel_below field_description_below gfield_visibility_hidden" ><div class='admin-hidden-markup'><i class='gform-icon gform-icon--hidden'></i><span>Hidden</span></div><label class='gfield_label' for='input_10_5' >1st Birthday</label><div class='ginput_container ginput_container_text'><input name='input_5' id='input_10_5' type='text' value='' class='medium' aria-invalid="false" /> </div></div><div id="field_10_6" class="gfield field_sublabel_below field_description_below gfield_visibility_hidden" ><div class='admin-hidden-markup'><i class='gform-icon gform-icon--hidden'></i><span>Hidden</span></div><label class='gfield_label' for='input_10_6' >2nd Birthday</label><div class='ginput_container ginput_container_text'><input name='input_6' id='input_10_6' type='text' value='' class='medium' aria-invalid="false" /> </div></div><div id="field_10_7" class="gfield field_sublabel_below field_description_below gfield_visibility_hidden" ><div class='admin-hidden-markup'><i class='gform-icon gform-icon--hidden'></i><span>Hidden</span></div><label class='gfield_label' for='input_10_7' >3rd Birthday</label><div class='ginput_container ginput_container_text'><input name='input_7' id='input_10_7' type='text' value='' class='medium' aria-invalid="false" /> </div></div><div id="field_10_8" class="gfield field_sublabel_below field_description_below gfield_visibility_hidden" ><div class='admin-hidden-markup'><i class='gform-icon gform-icon--hidden'></i><span>Hidden</span></div><label class='gfield_label' for='input_10_8' >4th Birthday</label><div class='ginput_container ginput_container_text'><input name='input_8' id='input_10_8' type='text' value='' class='medium' aria-invalid="false" /> </div></div><div id="field_10_9" class="gfield field_sublabel_below field_description_below gfield_visibility_hidden" ><div class='admin-hidden-markup'><i class='gform-icon gform-icon--hidden'></i><span>Hidden</span></div><label class='gfield_label' for='input_10_9' >5th Birthday</label><div class='ginput_container ginput_container_text'><input name='input_9' id='input_10_9' type='text' value='' class='medium' aria-invalid="false" /> </div></div></div></div> <div class='gform_footer top_label'> <input type='submit' id='gform_submit_button_10' class='gform_button button' value='Sign up for Active Start' onclick='if(window["gf_submitting_10"]){return false;} window["gf_submitting_10"]=true; ' onkeypress='if( event.keyCode == 13 ){ if(window["gf_submitting_10"]){return false;} window["gf_submitting_10"]=true; jQuery("#gform_10").trigger("submit",[true]); }' /> <input type='hidden' name='gform_ajax' value='form_id=10&amp;title=&amp;description=&amp;tabindex=0' /> <input type='hidden' class='gform_hidden' name='is_submit_10' value='1' /> <input type='hidden' class='gform_hidden' name='gform_submit' value='10' /> <input type='hidden' class='gform_hidden' name='gform_unique_id' value='' /> <input type='hidden' class='gform_hidden' name='state_10' value='WyJbXSIsImU4MmE1N2RiNzRiMTQ1ZjVhOGQ3OWQwZmVkOTFkNjRiIl0=' /> <input type='hidden' class='gform_hidden' name='gform_target_page_number_10' id='gform_target_page_number_10' value='0' /> <input type='hidden' class='gform_hidden' name='gform_source_page_number_10' id='gform_source_page_number_10' value='1' /> <input type='hidden' name='gform_field_values' value='' /> </div> </form> </div> <iframe style='display:none;width:0px;height:0px;' src='about:blank' name='gform_ajax_frame_10' id='gform_ajax_frame_10' title='This iframe contains the logic required to handle Ajax powered Gravity Forms.'></iframe> <script type='text/javascript'>gform.initializeOnLoaded( function() {gformInitSpinner( 10, 'https://activeforlife.com/content/plugins/gravityforms/images/spinner.svg' );jQuery('#gform_ajax_frame_10').on('load',function(){var contents = jQuery(this).contents().find('*').html();var is_postback = contents.indexOf('GF_AJAX_POSTBACK') >= 0;if(!is_postback){return;}var form_content = jQuery(this).contents().find('#gform_wrapper_10');var is_confirmation = jQuery(this).contents().find('#gform_confirmation_wrapper_10').length > 0;var is_redirect = contents.indexOf('gformRedirect(){') >= 0;var is_form = form_content.length > 0 && ! is_redirect && ! is_confirmation;var mt = parseInt(jQuery('html').css('margin-top'), 10) + parseInt(jQuery('body').css('margin-top'), 10) + 100;if(is_form){jQuery('#gform_wrapper_10').html(form_content.html());if(form_content.hasClass('gform_validation_error')){jQuery('#gform_wrapper_10').addClass('gform_validation_error');} else {jQuery('#gform_wrapper_10').removeClass('gform_validation_error');}setTimeout( function() { /* delay the scroll by 50 milliseconds to fix a bug in chrome */ jQuery(document).scrollTop(jQuery('#gform_wrapper_10').offset().top - mt); }, 50 );if(window['gformInitDatepicker']) {gformInitDatepicker();}if(window['gformInitPriceFields']) {gformInitPriceFields();}var current_page = jQuery('#gform_source_page_number_10').val();gformInitSpinner( 10, 'https://activeforlife.com/content/plugins/gravityforms/images/spinner.svg' );jQuery(document).trigger('gform_page_loaded', [10, current_page]);window['gf_submitting_10'] = false;}else if(!is_redirect){var confirmation_content = jQuery(this).contents().find('.GF_AJAX_POSTBACK').html();if(!confirmation_content){confirmation_content = contents;}setTimeout(function(){jQuery('#gform_wrapper_10').replaceWith(confirmation_content);jQuery(document).scrollTop(jQuery('#gf_10').offset().top - mt);jQuery(document).trigger('gform_confirmation_loaded', [10]);window['gf_submitting_10'] = false;wp.a11y.speak(jQuery('#gform_confirmation_message_10').text());}, 50);}else{jQuery('#gform_10').append(contents);if(window['gformRedirect']) {gformRedirect();}}jQuery(document).trigger('gform_post_render', [10, current_page]);} );} );</script>