How to talk to your kids about mental health

A preschooler paralyzed by anxiety. A tween lashing out in anger. A teen withdrawing from family and friends. Over the years of raising my five children, I’ve experienced each one of these scenarios and many more! One of the most valuable lessons I’ve learned is that my children’s mental health—the way they think, feel and act—changes with each developmental stage. 

Yes, there are universal principles that weave throughout each stage of childhood (I’ll share those below!), but tailoring the way I approach these conversations based on my child’s age has made all the difference to helping them learn emotional and mental health literacy. 

In this article, I’ll share why talking to children about mental health matters so much, along with concrete strategies organized by age to help you feel more confident navigating these conversations with your own children. 

To ground this guide in evidence, I’ve consulted with Dr. Kate Aubrey, a registered psychologist (#2170) based in Kelowna, B.C. Aubrey specializes in child development and mental health interventions, supporting children, adolescents, and their families with everything from everyday worries to complex mood and behavioural disorders. 

Why talking to kids about mental health matters

Historically, mental health for kids was largely overlooked. In the past, children were seen and treated as “little adults.” It’s only within the past century or so that the field of psychology started recognizing that children have distinct mental health needs that evolve as they grow. Today, although the importance of children’s mental health is widely accepted, many North American children still struggle with their mental health. According to the Canadian Paediatric Society, 20% of Canadian children and youth experience mental illness.

An essential part of improving children’s mental health is talking about it! Just as physical literacy helps children be active for life, mental health literacy helps children build lifelong resilience. “Starting conversations when children are very young—often as soon as they can talk—sets a tone they’ll carry for life,” says Aubrey. The Canadian Paediatric Society echoes this advice, stating that openly talking about mental health helps children build resiliency, self-esteem, and problem-solving skills, leading to a better quality of life. 

Universal principles: Talking about kids’ mental health at every age

Talking to a two-year old-about mental health is very different from talking to a six-year-old, 12-year-old, or 16-year-old. However, regardless of your child’s age, certain universal principles can guide parents, caregivers, and educators in conversations about mental health at every age:

Normalize feelings 

Helping children understand that all feedings are normal is crucial. Aubrey encourages parents and caregivers to “normalize all feelings—especially the uncomfortable ones. The goal isn’t to get rid of sadness or worry; it’s to manage them.” Normalizing feelings can begin as young as two or three and continues well into adolescence.

Create emotional safety

Children thrive when they feel safe and accepted. Creating an environment where children can safely express themselves allows them to openly talk about their emotions, build trust, and develop confidence in their own abilities. 

Protect carefully but encourage growth

Aubrey highlights a common imbalance in modern parenting: “We’re over‑protecting children in the real world and under‑protecting them in the cyber world—we have to flip that.” (This is something social psychologist and author Jonathan Haidt often talks about.)

She recommends parents carefully “protect children online, but let them face manageable challenges in real life so they build resilience. Sometimes parents worry a lot about their kids and try to protect them from very natural, normal stressors that are actually important for building coping skills.” 

By regularly talking to your child about screen-time boundaries and encouraging them to face age-appropriate challenges, you help them develop essential emotional regulation, coping skills, and confidence.

Provide regular check-ins

Frequent, low-pressure conversations help children feel comfortable discussing mental health at every developmental stage. Aubrey highlights the importance of starting these conversations early, noting that it helps children and parents build emotional comfort and confidence over time. “Emotions can be all tangly, and they make people uncomfortable,” she says. “So if you start when they’re young, it really helps both parties feel comfortable talking about emotions.” Active listening, curiosity, and validation (“I hear you”) further encourage children to openly share their thoughts and concerns.

Model mindfully

Children learn emotional regulation primarily by watching us, their parents and caregivers. Aubrey says that “parents set the emotional tone,” noting the profound influence parents have: “The way you handle your own feelings teaches children how to handle theirs—potentially for the rest of their lives.” She encourages parents to model emotional openness: “Parents modeling—labeling their own emotions and being able to talk openly about struggles they’re having, for example at work, and then sharing how they plan on solving them—is really important.”

Age-by-age guidance for talking to kids about mental health

Toddlers & preschoolers (ages 2 to 5)

Children at this age become aware of their feelings and learn that their bodies provide emotional cues. Aubrey advises: “Begin these conversations as early as age three, or younger, normalizing emotions in early childhood builds the foundation for healthy regulation later on.” 

Establishing a shared “emotion language” during these early years ensures that “talking about feelings stays comfortable for everyone.” She recommends helping young children become familiar with emotion-related vocabulary and concepts, building emotional literacy alongside early language skills.

Practical strategies: 

• Name feelings with colours, simple words, or animal faces.
• Respond calmly and validate all emotions, even difficult ones.
• Read books (e.g. The Color Monster), use puppets, or engage in outdoor play to explore emotions.
• Introduce simple breathing techniques (belly breathing, flower breathing, blowing bubbles).

Early school age (6 to 8)

Between the ages of six and eight, children begin to understand that feelings come and go, and start to see the connection between their thoughts and emotions. Aubrey highlights the importance of shifting gradually from parental co-regulation toward teaching self-regulation skills. “When kids recognize that the way they’re feeling is okay and start connecting emotions to situations, it builds the building blocks for emotional regulation,” she says.

At this stage, it’s especially valuable to teach children that asking for help shows courage rather than weakness. Emotions like worry and anxiety “can be scary, but they’re very normal,” she says. Parents can reinforce this message by helping children become more comfortable expressing and managing their feelings.

Practical strategies: 

• Encourage open communication about feelings and listen without judgment.
• Introduce tools like a feelings thermometer or mood maps to help children visualize and understand emotional intensity.
• Help children identify their triggers or stressors.
• Model and practice simple calming techniques (breathing exercises, short mindfulness activities).
• Regularly remind children that all emotions, even uncomfortable ones, are natural and manageable.

Tweens (ages 9 to 12)

The tween years bring increasingly complex emotions, social pressures, and physical changes that can intensify thoughts and worries about friendships, social acceptance, and self-image. They start to worry about what their friends think about them.

“Grades three to six are when anxiety often surfaces—school refusal, worry, withdrawal,” says Aubrey. She describes this stage as an important “watch-point” for parents, as anxiety or mood changes frequently emerge during these years. 

She says tweens often struggle due to limited coping skills: “There seems to be a deficit in coping skills—quite pronounced. Kids need help coping.” To bridge this gap, it’s crucial for parents to be proactive, fostering emotional literacy and introducing effective coping techniques early.

Practical strategies: 

• Set aside regular quality time to connect and actively listen.
• Introduce basic brain biology concepts (“Your brain has alarm bells”).
• Do brief but regular check-ins for signs of anxiety or mood changes.
• Keep conversations about body changes and sexuality open and age-appropriate. 
• Develop a coping skill “menu” [PDF] together. 
• Provide screen-time boundaries and limits. 
• Encourage healthy friendships and peer connections in real-life settings.

Young teens (ages 13 to 15) 

Young teenagers are navigating identity exploration, increased social pressures, academic and extracurricular expectations, significant physical changes, and amplified exposure to social media. 

Aubrey underscores the difficulty young teens face in managing emotions, particularly due to technology: “Devices keep kids in a very odd social world, and that’s not helping their ability to regulate.” She explains that adolescence is a critical time to reinforce coping strategies because regular support from parents is essential.

Practical strategies: 

• Regularly practice coping skills.
• Discuss and establish clear but collaborative screen-time boundaries and limits. 
• Do brief but regular check-ins for signs of anxiety or mood changes.
• Normalize talking openly about anxiety, stressors, and worries.
• Encourage healthy friendships and peer connections in real-life settings.

Older teens (ages 16 to 18) 

Older teenagers grapple with increased independence, concerns about their future, romantic relationships, and a heightened tendency toward risk-taking behaviors. Many teens today have a “pronounced deficit in coping skills,” Aubrey says, partly because parents are often “not preparing kids well enough for managing adversity.” Equipping older teens with effective coping strategies becomes critical at this stage, particularly as parental influence naturally decreases.

Practical strategies: 

• Promote self-advocacy skills by teaching teens who and how to ask for help.
• Plan regular time to catch up and talk about tough issues (depression, anxiety, sexuality, self-harm, and substance use).
• Practice active listening and concise communication, fostering respectful dialogue.
• Develop a coping skill “menu” [PDF] together.
• Regularly discuss and manage social media exposure and online interactions.
• Role-play strategies for supporting friends facing mental health crises (“If your friend felt hopeless, what would you do?”).

When and how to seek extra support

Knowing when and how to seek professional support is essential for effectively managing children’s mental health challenges. Aubrey notes the current landscape is concerning: she sees “a significant uptick” in referrals for childhood anxiety and emphasizes the importance of recognizing early warning signs. She explains that parents often reach out when their child “is struggling at school, withdrawing, anxious, or losing interest in activities they used to enjoy.”

Common signs your child might need professional support include:

• Persistent changes in sleep or appetite.
• Withdrawal from family, friends, school, or activities previously enjoyed.
• Feeling sad, down, angry, irritable, or anxious for extended periods.
• Increased engagement in risky or impulsive behaviours.

For a thorough list of warning signs and ways to seek help, I suggest reading: How to spot mental health problems in your child: Signs to watch out for. 

Important: If your child talks about suicide or self-harm, or demonstrates severely concerning behaviours, seek immediate support. Reach out to your family doctor, mental health professional, or a crisis line such as:

• Kids Help Phone: Canada’s 24/7 e-mental health service offering free, multilingual, and confidential support to help young people. Phone: 1-800-668-6868, text: 686868

Keep talking about kids’ mental health

If there’s one key takeaway from this article, it’s to keep talking! Mental health isn’t a single lesson but rather an ongoing conversation that grows and evolves alongside your child. Early, open conversations about feelings pave the way, helping your child understand that their mental health matters, and that asking for help is brave, beneficial, and lifelong.