8 ways to help your child’s feelings of anxiety

For kids, feeling nervous is totally normal. Are there monsters under my bed? Can I get my homework finished? Do the kids at school like me? Are my parents going out without me—and will the sitter be friendly? Will there be a storm tonight? Will there be dogs when we go out for a walk?

These are all really common fears among children. But sometimes fears become overwhelming and kids develop more serious anxiety. Looking for the signs of anxiety in your child and addressing them as well as you can is important to help your kids manage their emotions.

According to Janet Morrison, a lecturer at the University of Toronto’s Factor-Inwentash Faculty of Social Work and a psychological associate who has provided assessments and psychotherapy for children for over 25 years, the symptoms of kids’ anxiety can range from obvious signs, like crying or rage, to more subtle things, like stomachaches or changes in eating habits. Parents are usually the best judge of what is normal, and what may be a sign of concern, she says.

Parents know their kids better than anyone and can sense when something is off.”

-Janet Morrison, psychological associate

According to Morrison, the most common signs that your child may be feeling anxious are:

1. Increased crankiness or anger which may involve more fighting than usual with siblings
2. Stomachaches
3. Disturbances in sleep patterns, nightmares
4. Change in appetite, either eating more or less
5. Headaches
6. Bouts of crying
7. Meltdowns (more than usual) over small things such as getting dressed or brushing their teeth

How to help your child with anxiety 

Here are eight simple strategies you can add to your “toolbox” to support children as they work through feelings of anxiety or stress:

1. Talk to your child and encourage them to express emotions

As in any situation, it’s important to keep the lines of communication open with your children. And it’s essential that kids be able to express their emotions.

Morrison recommends that you ask kids directly what they’re worried about if they’re showing signs of anxiety. They may not be worried about the things you expected, and they may not be able to express their worries fully. Let their questions guide the conversation. Validate their feelings but assure them that there are ways to handle them.

2. Develop an anxiety “toolbox”

While your child is not going to be dealing with monsters under their beds, they will very probably run into dogs and experience storms during their childhood. Help them anticipate these situations and prepare for them to happen. When developing strategies with your child, use words of encouragement, be patient, and assure them that they can work through their fears one step at a time.

Say, for example, that you want to work on your child’s fear of dogs. 

In her book Overcoming Your Child’s Fear of Dogs, social worker Stefani M. Cohen explains that dogs are hardwired to chase things that move, such as birds, squirrels, and balls. She therefore encourages kids encountering a dog to stand still, turn sideways, cross their arms over the chest, and look away. “In dog language when you take this stance you are telling a dog you are not interested and they should leave you alone,” she told Psychology Today.

It will be very scary for your child to stand still with a dog in their presence so perhaps you could start by having your child practice this stance at home and then ask a friend to bring over their dog, holding it tightly on its leash. Your child can then practice crossing their arms and looking away and seeing how the dog reacts.

Little by little, your child can build up to petting a dog (perhaps one finger at a time) or holding the leash of a dog with an adult always present.

Develop your own toolbox around your child’s specific fears and build up strategies to address them.

3. Kids love routine

Routines help kids feel anchored, secure, and in control. When they know what’s ahead—whether that looks like a morning routine of brushing teeth, breakfast, and leaving for school or an evening routine of dinner, family time, a bath, reading stories, then lights out, your child will feel more at ease.

Here’s one example of a simple tool you can use to help kids plan their day:

4. Keep spirits up with games, activities, and outdoor play

There’s nothing like a whole lot of laughter and fun to keep kids’ spirits up. Morrison urges that it’s extremely important to get outside every day to get fresh air, to run off steam, and to enjoy nature.

When you can’t get outside, pull out board games, cards, arts and crafts supplies, outdoor toys, and make fun the cornerstone of every day. Here are a few ways you and your kids can boost your mood through play:

• 49 fun physical activities to do with kids aged 2-4
• Sprinkler games for hot days
• 13 fun activities to play in the dark
• 4 ways to add fun to household chores 
• 7 fun & friendly indoor activities

5. Schedule quiet time every day

It’s also important to decompress with quiet time scheduled into every day, Morrison says. This time could be when kids nap, read, colour, or do a puzzle. You can set the stage by teaching kids to meditate or simply start quiet time with a few minutes of stillness and deep breathing together.

6. Keep kids away from the news

As much as we want to keep up to date on what’s happening in the world, it’s best that parents keep the news to a minimum around their kids to eliminate any potential anxiety. Likewise, try to limit how often you talk about distressing or upsetting news events with other adults when children are in earshot.

This is supported by the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, which notes that young children can’t put scary news in perspective, so hearing about disasters, crime, and other negative events can leave them feeling stressed, anxious, and afraid.

7. Focus on your own mental health

Kids sense the feelings of others. It’s important to try to minimize your own anxiety so you can remain calm and reassuring, and model healthy coping skills.

For parents and caregivers, it’s essential to keep in mind that nothing in life has to be perfect. If you haven’t planted flowers in your outdoor pots yet, it doesn’t matter. If you haven’t cleared out that closet you promised yourself you would this winter, it will still be there in the spring. Setting these types of goals will only lead to your own frustration.

It is so essential to keep in mind that during all the uncertainty, nothing has to be perfect. If your urns don’t have spring flowers, it doesn’t matter. If you haven’t cleared out that closet you promised you would this spring, it will still be there in the winter. Setting these types of goals will only lead to your own frustration.

Take care of yourself—however that looks for you. Schedule quiet time into your day. Connect with friends and family. Keep up your own food, hygiene, and exercise practices. Schedule your own activities into the day, whether it be a comedy you want to watch, a bubble bath, or a book you’ve been wanting to get to. At the end of each day, give yourself a pat on the back for every small accomplishment.

8. Foster confidence

When a child is confident in themselves, they feel capable, safe, and resilient. They are more equipped to tackle challenges and bounce back more quickly from setbacks. 

So how to foster confidence in your kids? Focus on the positives, strive to not compare your kids with others, let them take on challenges and praise their strengths.

Whether they manage to make it across the monkey bars the first time or take weeks to do so. Whether they get an A or a C on a test. Whether your friends’ kids can play a whole piano concerta and your child is working on basic flute skills. Your child needs to know that someone is always in their corner and recognizing their progress, effort, and individuality.

Here are some concrete examples:

• Give your kids small jobs around the house or garden to show that you believe in them. Ensure that the tasks are somewhat challenging but also manageable.
• Let them experience some letdowns or frustration without it becoming overwhelming. When you see that your child is working on something that’s not going their way, step back and give them a chance to keep trying. If they can’t overcome the challenge, let them know that it was a tough thing to attempt and that you’re proud of them for working on it. 
• Be a role model by telling your kids that you’re working on something that’s challenging but that you’re going to keep trying. (This mom decided to start playing hockey to model trying new things for her kids.)
• Introduce steps to independence. Let your eight-year-old go to the next aisle in the grocery store to find an item on your list. Let your three-year-old choose what they’ll wear each day (to assure the clothing is weather-appropriate, it’s usually best to offer them a limited number of options). Let your six-year-old spread their own butter on their toast. 
• Keep a list of challenges that your child has met and keep it somewhere they can see it. Make a “you did it! jar” where you can drop in a piece of paper when your child has dressed themselves, overcome their frustration with an activity and kept trying, lost a game without acting out and congratulated their “opponent,” made it through a new scale with their flute, or any other achievement. Take out a couple of pieces of the paper from time to time to remind your kids of challenges they’ve faced and overcome. 

Editor’s note: This article was published on May 6, 2020.